When the Shackles of Fear Crumbles

"When God calls me, I'll pack up my bags and go."

This is what I used to believe, and I thought I had the faith to do it.

June 2, 2020

"You like the idea of mission...

You like the thought of Japan...

But you don't love the people...

These three phrases shatter on what I used to believe, and the reality of God's call opens the stronghold of fear. When I heard God speak this to me, I was surprised, and as a normal person, I told God to teach me how to love the people. I was overwhelmed, and shocked that God answered my prayer so fast! At that very moment, I fell in love with the people I haven't met yet. At the same time, the cost of being a missionary becomes real, and fear envelops me.

I met several missionaries, read missionary biographies, and completed a Perspective course to know that being one is not a walk in the park. I know that once I said yes to it, my life is not in my hands anymore. The fear of the unknown and uncertainties were too real to me. When God called me, my immediate response was 'No' and recommended someone else. Since that moment, I have witnessed my fear to be bigger than God.

I ran away, thankfully, not ran away from God, but I negotiated, begged, and convinced God why not me. It didn't work, and God was so persistent about it. I came to a point where I cried anytime and everywhere, and the more I ran away, the more I'm physically having trouble breathing. But I'm stubborn, I don't want to say yes because I know when I say yes, I will be accountable for it.

Abu Dhabi is my comfort zone already, I have a job, amazing friends, and a church where I found a family outside my family. The struggle of letting go and laying down what I have is too costly. It was hard, lonely, and painful. I know that I have to deal with God, but the path that He is leading me is not the path that I want to go.

Finally, on August 18, 2020, I gave my yes to God, and for the first time since June 2, I was able to breathe, breathe! Yet, fear didn't leave. Instead, I started to have anxiety attacks, and loneliness joined the club. I thought that saying yes would lessen the fear, but I didn't realize that it would make me more doubtful, insecure, and fearful. Everything was new to me, and I didn't know what to do. I shared it with my close friends, but most of them listened but didn't hear me. I felt so lonely and insecure. I never felt so lonely walking this path of the unknown.

Everything was overwhelming, but I never felt closer to God than ever. Only a few people understand me, I have no choice but to draw myself closer to God, and He never left me. Yes, I was afraid, but God was there in the midst of my fear. Most of the time, my fear seems to be bigger than God, but God never failed to be there for me. Never once did His presence leave. God understood my fear, and He walked with me graciously.

Even though I said yes to God, I was also finding ways to run away from it. I have been asking God what obedience looks like. I love God and want to obey Him, but I don't know if I'm obeying because half of me still wants to run away. It was in November 2020 when two typhoons hit the Philippines simultaneously, and I was praying on it when I felt God's pain. I felt led to give, and I felt God spoke to me, "if a part of the body is in pain, the whole body should feel it". I called one of our church elders and shared my heart about what I felt God was telling me. Our church and my friends responded. We sent relief help to the Philippines, and hundreds of people heard the Gospel and received Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

One of the elders told me, obedience doesn't necessarily mean doing big things. Sometimes obedience is just picking up your phone to call someone and letting God do the rest. And this experience boosted my faith. Somehow, the journey of obedience wasn't as scary as before. At that time, I was still scared, but I was also excited to see what God would do.

The journey of obedience is still not easy. I was still fearful, and insecure but not as lonely. In 2021, I started meeting people who are walking the same journey as me, and I felt that I found my tribe. I became more involved in mission mobilization and made good friends. Yet, the fear never left, it was hunting me. I was still so scared about the unknown, and another fear appeared, the fear of disappointment.

I have invested so much in the journey, and I am making decisions with the thought of Japan, which made me feel too limited. I started to feel jealous of my friends who were free to decide their lives and work hard on it. I felt that I don't have the luxury to even desire outside Japan. I'm still young and ambitious, but I felt limited. I had to battle with a lot of what-ifs. What if this journey doesn't work out? What if I don't get married? What if I will regret this? What if... what if... what if...

Another battle of fear, I started to wonder how many fears I will discover on this journey. Even though I laugh and encourage people, I cannot run away from the fear that is hunting me. Running away from the journey is a good option for me, but I also fear, what if the cost of running away is God's best for me. I don't want to let go of God's plan for my life because I want to settle for easy. But it was hard to let go of the things that I see to hold on to the things I cannot see.

In 2021, several people I knew died young, and most of them died unexpectedly. For so long, I have been praying to live a life that is worthy of Jesus' death. And the fear of not living the full life that God has for me scares me. I started to realize that I don't have control over my life. If I drop dead, my story is finished. I don't want to be someone who loves God, and that's it. I want to live a life that even though it is crazy, I won't have regrets about not trying. I might not do well, but at least I tried. I don't want to face Jesus and say, I should have done this and did that. I want Jesus to tell me, "Well done Hanna, I'm proud of you." And this made me let go of my future and helped me trust in the one who holds my future.

2022 is the home run for me. The fear is still present and hunting me, but it wasn't as strong as it started. The greatest battle that I faced this year was myself. I realized that my love for myself is much greater than my love for people, nations, and ministries. I had to battle with my pride. Loving people is tiring, pursuing nations is hard, and being consistent with ministry requires a lot of intentionality. Everything I’m doing overwhelmed me. I was tired and beginning to burn out. I lost the reasons why I am doing what I'm doing. I know that I don't have to do anything for God to love me. I can easily justify to myself that I don't have to do far and beyond for God. He loves me no matter what anyway. Yet, I cannot love myself more than I love Jesus. No matter how much I justify it, I cannot love myself more than Jesus. As I was starting to burn out, God was very intentional in leading me to Jesus. He led me to Jesus until everything in my being reasons Jesus.

When I visited Japan this November, I spent 16 days there to make me realize that there is nothing I can do until and unless Jesus works in me and through me. All my fear, doubts, and insecurities, I cannot win over them, but Jesus can. I have never been so desperate and dependent on Jesus until now.

On December 1, 2022, I had a meeting with the mission organizations, and after the meeting, I just cried out to God. And for the first time in 2 years and 6 months, the shackle of fear is no longer holding me. The fear that was so familiar and I knew so well was not present anymore. For 2 years and 6 months, the fear that haunts me crumbled because of Jesus. It took me so long to realize that everything is about Jesus, and when the freedom of knowing that there is nothing I can do, the shackle of fear crumbles.

John 15:5, "Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."